December was the month of cobwebs in the brain. I felt like their sticky tendrils had a choke hold on my ability to accomplish anything from getting up at a reasonable hour to sleeping through the night and every possible action or feeling that occurred in between. Tears were constantly waiting to spill over unless I kept my mind numb. Playing hearts on my favorite phone was an excellent escape; as were earphones plugged into the music on my favorite phone. Who knew a smart phone could be such a useful (and cost effective) mental health consultant.
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| Meet my best friend Mr. Droid |
Why was I not coping well? Was it a delayed reaction to James' accident; supreme panic as he appeared to be spiraling into a funk and pulling away from me; overwhelming guilt over not being a contributing member to the family finances (not earning a dollar, spending a dollar too much, no idea on how to create a realistic budget that was requested); or was it menopause finally settling in for the one-two punch? Flashing was a daily occurrence as was chest pain (reminiscent of my spring panic attacks). My family needed me focused, strong and effective. So why at this stage in my life was I becoming a basket case? Maybe I'll never know. I do know I did my darnedest to fool them into believing I was a dependable, contributing member of the family unit. I would like to believe I did okay with this ruse. I suspect the truth is a wee bit different :/
I do know I am grateful for the shreds of clarity I am feeling nine days into 2011. I am pleased with the minor things I managed to accomplish this week. I am particularly fond of having more control over the water-works. I am hopeful I will continue to find my way back to a strong, focused, funny, engaging, helpful, positive person.
She is still in there somewhere. Isn't she? Yes, she is. So, here's to 2011 and clarity of mind and purpose! May the new year bring you your fondest dreams as well.
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