This week in review in rambling form

Well color me wrong-sort of.

I did hear from my flash drive peeps on Wednesday. They wanted to know if I would input the freshman class into the database within a week and how much I would charge. I said I would love to take on that job but it would take 60-80 hours (closer to 2 weeks) at my usual $20/hour rate. I haven't heard back since my reply-that's the 'sort of' part :)

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Steve made time in his travels to Seattle to come have dinner with us last night. I know he was tired, jet lagged and on top of it he was recovering from a respiratory infection. Ugggg, not feeling spiffy at all. We really enjoyed the visit with Uncle Cheese and appreciate the effort he made to see us. Daniel coined that nickname when we were back in Chicago for a wedding (I think it was Joe and Colleen). When he tried to say Steve it came out Cheese. Now everyone uses it.

Sort of like Uncle Socks. Barry nicknamed daddy Uncle Socks because when daddy would visit the Galvin's in CA or Hawaii he always wore socks to keep the top of his feet from burning. That name has stuck too.


This is of course not daddy - but Uncle David wearing Daddy's BD apron for carving the turkey on Christmas Eve.

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Glenna and I were going to the beach today to make sure all the rain and wind haven't pushed the cabins into the sound and to visit a few fireplace stores to do some window shopping-or buying if the deal was right.



Aunt Dorothy's cabin and the little cabin with Anna standing in front

Unfortunately, Randy took a bad fall the other day and broke his back. He was scheduled for surgery this morning and Glenna needed to be there for him when he woke up. She is an amazing, unconditional caretaker. I hope Randy knows that-he probably does.The surgery was to put a screw through the C1 and C2 vertebrae to stabilize them and bring him some relief from the unending pain. I have sent a couple of texts to her but I know she is too busy to reply. That's OK. Just hoping all went well.
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Getting grandma and grandpa home from CA...oh my, what a quandary I am in.



Mom in Palm Desert 2009

Daddy in Palm Desert 2010

James wants him and Tess to do this. John wants him and Tess to do this. I want to do this. Why? Not sure for sure, but have some ideas. It feels good to do something that contributes to the greater needs of the family...I really did honestly and truly enjoy the 2 days in the car with papa-it was one of the most relaxing, enjoyable, peaceful times I've had in 4 months...I think daddy will really be uncomfortable with them doing that and mom will really be uncomfortable with this unmarried couple spending nights together...and I know there is more to this but I'm not really sure what it is. I'll have to try to figure it out in another post. Adding to my quandary is Rich Marth day is scheduled for the weekend following the drive home from CA and that sort of time away from the office is tough on papa. That alone should make me figure out another way to get the zoom zoom home. So again, what more is there to my desire to do this?
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Hard to let go

Have you ever noticed how it is hard to let go of things; even things that aren't good for you? It could be anything from an outfit that doesn't make you look your best but you love how it feels, to a favorite beer that tastes the best a bit too often or even a recurring thought.

For example, why have I not heard back from my peoples about the flash drive? I'll try not to think about it today - to just let it go. And I won't check my email 17 times before noon - like I did yesterday.

The phrase below just cracks me up. It is sooooo what my workplace was like. Which brings me back to wondering why I care if I hear from my peeps? I guess I'm a gluten for punishment...or eager to ease the strain on finances?

Lots of Changes

It has been 4 months to the day since James' accident.

James and Tess

There have been changes for all of us since then. I know James has feelings of guilt over some of the challenges his family has faced; but those are horribly misplaced feelings. Life will always throw changes and challenges our way. How we deal with them individually is on us. I doubt I'll ever be able to convince him of that. But I won't stop trying. Each of us has been effected in some way due to the accident; and each of us have our own life changes to deal with.  

Exactly 4 months after the accident. Looking a bit purple and gnarly but damn awesome!

Shannon moved to Palm Desert while James was still in the hospital. Leaving tore her up. Getting settled took some adjustment, planning and patience. Things are more steady and secure now. She is living in a high-end gated community with a very nice couple, a fun-loving dog named Kona and a mean cat. Her space is a lovely, very livable and affordable casita. She is also spending lots of time with Aunt Jody and Grandma and Grandpa; which everyone is enjoying tremendously (especially me!).  

Shannon's Casita

She moved to the desert to start a satellite Foursquare church as the children's pastor. Going from the large, active, vibrant, deeply faith-filled community in Puyallup, that defined her faith and social life, to a struggling start up ministry has been difficult. Her faith took her there and her faith is supporting her day to day. I marvel and admire that about her. Until Desert Foursquare grows to the point of supporting her as a full time employee she has to have a part time job to help pay the bills. Her current part time job is less than satisfying - but a necessary evil. 

Shannon giving praise at the first Desert Foursquare service

I miss her a lot. Sort of silly because we didn't see that much of each other. I feel rather guilty about that actually. I was always too busy to make it down her way. I deeply regret that now. I quit a life-sucking job so I would have time to do more with my family and not regret even more absent years. Then along came this wonderful opportunity for her. I am thrilled for her and there is an important lesson in all this for me. One which I am trying hard to learn and make changes from.

This is what Christmas Caroling looks like in the desert :)

After James' accident Daniel became the family support man. If one of us needed to be somewhere but couldn't, Daniel took care of it. From errands for grandparents, shopping for me to physically packing Shannon's truck and moving all her junk to our garage - he did it (those are but 3 examples of the thousands of indispensable things he did, and continues to do, for us). 

Danman Extraordinaire

He was going to start taking classes at Green River Community College to get his AA degree but he really didn't want to. I knew that and I thought not going for an AA was a better idea. I thought finding an area of study that interests him (and can generate a lifelong income) was a better choice. With my blessing, he said he would look into local community colleges and technical colleges to find just that. He is currently signed up for video classes at Bellevue College; space allowing he will begin spring quarter. In the meantime, he is playing landlord to Shannon's condo and thoroughly enjoying his escapes to Snoqualmie as a snow bum.

Daniel is taking the pic on the ride to the top of the mountain

Papa is worried about money. Consequently mom is worried about money. Papa has been more papa than usual. I suspect that doesn't make sense to most people but since I am the only one reading this :) that is OK, I know what I'm trying to say. And that is all that needs to be said about him.

This photo represents soooooo much that was right, wrong, better and worrisome :/

And me...well I'm trying hard to navigate out of the self-created mosh pit of brain fog I created for myself. It was a huge leap in the right direction to finally finish the flash drive of marthk files and deliver them to Jim and Andrea. Accompaning the flash drive was a nice note featuring a sincere and heartfelt apology and a 'call me if you need to hire me for anything'. Haha like that is gonna happen after the way I've been these last few months; but a girls gotta try what a girls gotta try-right? Next step is to create order in the 4th bedroom. There is no moving forward without that. And I suspect the next step after that is to find some paid employment. I don't want to do that. Oh, I so don't want to do that. But if I must, of course I will. But did I mention I won't want to?

Transplanted Worry

Ever since James' accident I sort of obsess for other people I know in medical situations. Well, just 2 others so far but that is a good thing - means I don't know too many people in medical situations! It was never like this before James' accident. I had sympathy and true caring but not constant thoughts.

Margie and Bud were the first ones that were the object of my constant thoughts and worry. Now it is Dave and Terri. I'm sure Freud would have some tidbits of wisdom as to why. I just hope it fades back to normal caring levels soon.

Time for it to come to a close

Today I will finish transferring all the Kennedy files I can find to a flash drive. Tomorrow I will deliver (or mail) the drive. I believe that will complete our relationship. I am not pleased with how it is ending. I own all the reasons for my displeasure.

Could I have done something different to support a more positive outcome? Apparently not or I believe I would have. My desire was a long, good working relationship but I couldn't nurture (or even maintain) my half of the relationship. I do not fault them for being ready to wash their hands of me. They have been patient beyond measure.
Now I need to forgive myself for being unable to perform as they expected. I still do not totally understand why I became so dysfunctional for over 3 months. Maybe I never will and just need to move forward from this point.

This point has me feeling better. One hundred percent better? No but on the road to a more normal Kathleen.

Hair Result (how boring of a post is this!)

Like, yes. Love, no.

Pretty, pretty base color; great depth and warmth all at the same time. Not nearly enough highlights. Or maybe there are enough highlights but they aren't chunky like they usually are? I'm not sure which it is. But I do know that it is sort of blah without the usual bold and defined highlighted strands.

At least it's not grey :)

Hair

Today is haircut and color day. I'll post the results...if I like it.

The Birthday Girl

Margie, Glenna and I had a lovely lunch. Good food, excellent conversation and plenty of laughs as evidenced by the photographs below.

After the birthday lunch at Azteca we went back to Bud's rehab facility and visited for an hour or so. Bud was sitting up in a wheel chair and was quite the conversationalist. As our visit was coming to a close he was ready to lay down and take a nap. Margie explained he had been up and out of bed since 10:30 in the morning and that was a looooong time for him - she thought his nap might take him right through the night and into morning.

Kudos to me :) pics of the birthday bash. Shame on me :( no pics of Bud. Yes, fifty percent is better than zero percent but I was hoping for a hundred percent!

The Azteca staff arrives to wish Margie happy birthday ;)

The birthday girl is serenaded with Happy Birthday in Spanish :)

Figuring out how to take and send photos.

Surprise dessert compliments of Azteca!



Margie's BD Lunch

Tomorrow is Margie's birthday. It has been a long hard winter for her. Bud has been so sick with challenge after challenge rearing its ugly head for the two of them. Bud has been in the hospital or a rehab facility since November.

Glenna called with the idea of taking Margie to lunch and then going back to visit Bud. We've picked Azteca; it has tasty food and it's located close to Bud's rehab facility (plus they sing happy birthday to you in Spanish!). Hmmmm need to go shopping in my gift box to find a little something special for Margie and Bud.

Note to self: don't forget to take pictures of lunch and Bud and post them back here on your blog!

Fair Weather Fan

That's me. Fair weather fan. I'm not proud of it but I have come to accept it.

I am sitting here watching the Seattle Seahawks vs. Chicago Bears playoff game. I'm not enjoying it. The Seahawks look horrible. I am embarrassed for them; it's like they didn't bother to show up. It is all Bears. With 8:41 left in the 2nd quarter the Hawks trail by 21. Not fun.



I am not sitting here because I am a sports fan (nothing could be further from the truth). I am doing this mostly to "be" with hubby so he doesn't spend a whole day alone again. Yesterday he watched football all by himself in the family room while I spent the whole day at my computer in the dining room. I enjoyed my day. A lot. In all honesty I think he did too. It's not like we were really "alone" as the rooms are only 20 feet apart :)

Nice. Need to do more often!

I had a very nice visit with my sister at my house last week. We sat at the kitchen table for 6 hours (!) talking, drinking coffee, telling stories, eating pizza, solving the world problems, drinking more coffee and just generally enjoying each other's company.

Aren't we cute! This pic is from a 2010 Nov trip to Molbak's with Jocelyn and Aunt B.

We setup a game of Rummikub (a long-time favorite game of ours to play together). Each of us drew some tiles but we got distracted by our talking and when it came time for her to leave we cleaned up the game without ever having laid a tile down!

Daniel walked through the kitchen once with a quick hello and then back to his bedroom with a snack. James walked through once with a quick hello and then out the door to his dentist appointment. The dogs went in and out, in and out, in and out and then can you guess what they did? Yup, they went in and out again ;) We had lots of time just for ourselves; that is rare.

We are making a date for next week to go fireplace shopping. One of the many subjects we covered during our 6 hour conversation was getting the fireplaces and electric taken care of at the beach before mom and daddy return - if we don't put the dates in ink on our calendars time will fly by, mom and daddy will return and we will have accomplished nada. That would be a bad thing. Very bad indeed.

At first glance this looks like an inviting fire in a cozy room...look again :)

I have to remember to take pictures of our road trip to the fireplace store. I should have taken a pic of her sitting at my kitchen table. Remember Kathleen, that is what you said you wanted to do in 2011. Creating new habits is hard!

IF ONLY never seems to end

I remember a shrink describing my ex as an if only man. "If only I had a house with a garage and white picket fence I would stay home more often". So we got a house with a garage and white picket fence. He didn't stay home more often.

All of us have a bit of if only in us. It is human nature. "If only I didn't have to go to work every day I could deep clean our walk in closet". Six months after my last day at work the closet in question is still a jumble of clothes, shoes, suitcases, boxes, pictures, furniture, buckets and more. In other words, pure chaos. In my defense it is organized chaos; I can locate anything as long as I have enough time to muddle through the mess :).

The trick to battling the if only syndrome is to have a bit of just do it in you as well. That is why I have written in ink on my calendar: clean and organize closet. Oh, okay, it's not written in ink. It is actually written in Calibri 11 font on my Outlook calendar - but that phrase doesn't bring the point home like written in ink. Wouldn't you agree?

The goal is to give away every item that is not in use (time to admit those skinny jeans will never ever be worn again-by either of us) and every item that shouldn't be in use (like the 3 drundel skirts that make me look 6 inches shorter and 16 pounds wider or the horizontal stripe shirts that add visually unwanted inches to John's, ahem, midsection).

Once the multitude of unneeded and unwanted items are gone there will be plenty of room for the dresser and desk to move back in...thus leaving me a grown up bedroom rather than a storage room with wall-to-wall furniture. That makes me smile :)

Wish I had. Hope I do.

In the last few months I wish I had taken more pictures of meaningful events. Meaningful doesn't have to be life-changing. Meaningful includes the first snow fall, dogs sleeping side-by-side with 8 legs poking straight up in the air, papa on the roof taking down the Christmas lights (and not enjoying one minute of it) or a pit-stop along the way during our California road trip.

In the last few months I wish I had done more journaling. I wish I had captured my feelings of the Christmas season while they were fresh and poignant (although maybe not - as they were not particularly Christmassy feelings). I wish I had captured the nuances of navigating James' recovery; the transition for him between patient and self-caretaker; the challenge for me of going from caretaker to observer. I wish I had blogged through the early days of 'retirement'. I would like to re-read and re-feel the complete and utter relief of leaving all that heartache behind.

My life is the sum total of the choices I make. I wish I had something to show me how my life got to today besides my very poor memory :/ When 2011 comes to a close, I hope I do. Because after all, isn't that what a blog is for?

Meaningful moment: my sister loves me. My evidence? My birthday present that included (among other wonderful things) these cozy socks and that snugly Christmas blanket she made for me.

Nine days into 2011

We are nine days into the new year. I feel more clarity of purpose and worthwhileness (is that a word?) than I did nine days into October or nine days into November or heaven help me, the lowest of low points...nine days into December.

December was the month of cobwebs in the brain. I felt like their sticky tendrils had a choke hold on my ability to accomplish anything from getting up at a reasonable hour to sleeping through the night and every possible action or feeling that occurred in between. Tears were constantly waiting to spill over unless I kept my mind numb. Playing hearts on my favorite phone was an excellent escape; as were earphones plugged into the music on my favorite phone. Who knew a smart phone could be such a useful (and cost effective) mental health consultant.

Meet my best friend Mr. Droid

Why was I not coping well? Was it a delayed reaction to James' accident; supreme panic as he appeared to be spiraling into a funk and pulling away from me; overwhelming guilt over not being a contributing member to the family finances (not earning a dollar, spending a dollar too much, no idea on how to create a realistic budget that was requested); or was it menopause finally settling in for the one-two punch? Flashing was a daily occurrence as was chest pain (reminiscent of my spring panic attacks). My family needed me focused, strong and effective. So why at this stage in my life was I becoming a basket case? Maybe I'll never know. I do know I did my darnedest to fool them into believing I was a dependable, contributing member of the family unit. I would like to believe I did okay with this ruse. I suspect the truth is a wee bit different :/

I do know I am grateful for the shreds of clarity I am feeling nine days into 2011. I am pleased with the minor things I managed to accomplish this week. I am particularly fond of having more control over the water-works. I am hopeful I will continue to find my way back to a strong, focused, funny, engaging, helpful, positive person.

She is still in there somewhere. Isn't she? Yes, she is. So, here's to 2011 and clarity of mind and purpose! May the new year bring you your fondest dreams as well.